For something a little different this issue, we invited Robert Pass to write a piece about politicians and what they say. This is a personal view which may or may not reflect the views of others in Birmingham Friends of the Earth. Enjoy the satire!

I will create real change: My political party gets its funding from people and organisations that are doing very nicely out of maintaining the status quo. My main goal is ensure I keep them sweet. My paymasters have given their blessing to change the curtains in the spare room of Number 10 with the freedom to choose any colour I like.

We’re going to be the Greenest Government Ever: Cut the green crap! First, we’ll sell off the forests, then we’ll slash the feed in tariff, give big tax cuts to the fossil fuel companies, and encourage wide scale fracking of the countryside.

I take Climate Change seriously: If you think I’m going to fund a proper Green Investment Bank, you must be joking! Let’s make the tax and planning changes which will put Britain at the forefront of exploiting shale gas.

We’ve increased spending on flood defences to record levels: We’ve cut spending on flood defences by £247 million since 2011 and we’re going to sack 1550 people at the Environment Agency.

I’m tough on terrorism: I will use the fear created by constant rhetoric on terrorists to grab more power for the government at the expense of personal liberty and democracy.

I’m for the 99%: It’s all about the 1%, stupid! I can’t wait for the next Bilderberg Group meeting…

I’m on the side of hard working families: I’m on the side of the elite interests that bankroll my party and will ensure I get lucrative consultancy positions in the private sector when I leave office.

Unemployment has fallen: Thanks mainly to the fact that we now count people who work zero-hour contracts in Poundland as employed.

I believe in Freedom: Freedom to watch mindless telly, Freedom to go shopping, Freedom to make money, regardless of the environmental or social costs.

There is simply no alternative to austerity: There is a very obvious Keynesian alternative to do exactly the opposite of what we are proposing, but that would involve increasing taxation on my super-rich friends and redistributing the wealth. Not on my watch!

Too big to fail: Remember the maxim – privatise the profits and socialise the losses.

We’re all in this together: LOL!